What Stepmother actually is?
Most resources for new stepmoms advise unearthing your expectations, but how can you figure out what your expectations are until you live them? How can you find your role in your stepfamily until you share a home with the people who will help you define it? Several studies have found that one reason stepmotherhood is so difficult is the ambiguity of the role.
With no set cultural description of a stepmother besides the ever-popular wicked archetype, it’s hard to find our place. It’s tempting to immediately jump into a role of nurturer and caregiver, which leads some women to overreach their emotions and their authority before the relationships within their stepfamilies are built.
Anne O’Connor, the author of The Truth About Stepfamilies, was a single, newspaper journalist who covered the crime and education beats before she went freelance and married a man who had full-time custody of his 5-year-old son. “I didn’t realize what a big adjustment it was to make. If I could help anybody, it would be that person getting into the relationship.
You have to realize just how much you have to learn. I thought I was being very slow, very steady, and very smart. I wanted to be clear about what we were doing in our relationship before we dragged my husband’s son into it. But until you start living with people and your life is affected on a day-to-day basis, you can’t know how you will react.”
I made sure I was as educated about stepfamily life as possible before I married Arne, even though I grew up with a stepmom and stepdad. I had a stack of books by my bed. Still, I felt tightness in my chest every time I thought about how much I had to learn. It was much like the early days of starting my own company when I had to learn the ropes of running my business.
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