Learn the Culture before You Can be Effective Part (2)
You first interview everyone and find out how things have been working before you begin implementing changes. It’s the same with stepfamilies. So take time to gather information before you demand allegiance from the kids. If you have more than one stepchild, it’s easy to fall into the habit of treating the kids as if they’re in a pack.
Sometimes that pack is friendly and will come up to you for petting. Sometimes it’s a big snarling mess that can tear a new stepmom apart with belligerence and anger. Set up one-onone time with your stepchildren and you’ll be more able to accurately see their personalities and assess their individual needs. “Don’t treat all the kids as a clump,” says Jeff, a grown stepson in his thirties who grew up in two high-conflict stepfamilies. “They are all individuals.
Everyone will react differently to the divorce. One will be mad and the other will be sad.” Cosette is a stepmother to three children and has been married to their father, Paul, for twenty years. She and her husband are both marriage therapists and run a private practice together. Cosette laughs as she says owning a business with her husband has been harder to do than creating her stepfamily, but she’s not kidding.
Her warm and compassionate approach to her stepchildren made it easier for everyone. As a therapist, Cosette has had plenty of practice helping people open up about their feelings and really listening to their needs. She applied those same empathetic listening skills that made her so successful at work to building her relationships with her stepchildren. She remembers that as she got to know her stepkids, she let them each tell her what kind of relationship they needed from her.
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