Learn the Culture before You Can be Effective
You might be used to running the show at work, but when you start a job, you must learn the culture before you can be effective. You know when you take on a new client it’s going to take time and work to get to a place where you trust each other.
Why, then, would we assume that when we join a new stepfamily, it’s going to turn into a strong and bonded family overnight? Your stepfamily is going to take years—that’s right, years—to bond. So try on this mantra for size: Slow and steady wins the race. Slow and steady wins the race. When you build relationships with a new friend or coworker, you spend time alone.
You go out for lunch. You ask them questions. You get to know what they like and don’t like. In return, you share yourself so they come to know and trust you, too. It’s the same with your stepchildren, with an added bonus: They have experienced a trauma, and so their relationships with you could be loaded from the get-go. In the beginning, your most powerful tools are to listen and learn. Find out who your stepchildren are. What do they like to do? What are their favorite colors? Who are their best friends?
Most stepfamily experts recommend that a new stepmother should not begin parenting a stepchild right away and instead should chill out for a while, especially if the kids are adolescents. If you take a new job in which you are overseeing other people who have loyalties to the person who vacated your position, you know you must assess what everyone’s role is before you can begin to assert your own.
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